Archive for the Direct Speech Category

Fun guy

Posted in Direct Speech on July 5, 2007 by Rohit

You want some curds?

Yes

It’s old.

You think it’s spoilt?

No. Maybe sour. You see, curds can’t spoil. It can only sour. Curds is already spoilt. But it progressively sours.

I hope it’s not very sour.

(Suspect container produced)

It’s got green fungus on it.

(Awkward silence)

Hmm..

(More awkward silence)

I guess we will be reasonable in assuming that it is pretty sour then.

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Don Cristobal Colón

Posted in Direct Speech on January 3, 2007 by Rohit

Columbus(pointing to an island): And this, gentlemen of my crew, is India.

CrewMember1: It looks a little small Captain.

Columbus: It’s the angle the light is falling on.

CrewMember1: Hmm.. But look at that. I can see a lot of water around it.

Columbus: Mirage.

CrewMember1: But it’s 6 am.

Columbus(pointing to a big rock): So what? Look there. An elephant!

CrewMember1: It’s remarkably still for an elephant, Sir.

Columbus: Yeah? You’d rather load a hyperactive one onboard, smartass?

CrewMember1: Sir, I think the natives are throwing spears at us.

Columbus: No, no.. it’s the Indian kids. They’re playing with javelins.

CrewMember2(sarcastically): Yeah? You know the score, Captain KnowitallIllsailwest?

Columbus(disregards CrewMember2): Look, a Bengal Tiger.

CrewMember1: Where?

Columbus: I swear I saw one. It went into the tall grass right there.

CrewMember1: Cough.

Columbus: What!?

CrewMember1: Are you sure it was a Tiger, Sir?

Columbus: Of course, why else would it chase that Indian Bison?

CrewMember2: That’s it! Who’s with me for a mutiny?

Columbus: Thin ice mister.

CrewMember2: What are you going to do? Desert me on an island?

Columbus: As soon as we find one, yes.

CrewMember1: Cough.

Columbus: Hey, what’s with the coughing?

CrewMember1: (shrugs)

Columbus: We’ll go ashore and shop for some silk, spices and opiates.

CrewMember2: I am sure the naked islanders will have loads of silk.

Columbus(agitated): Shut your piehole or I’ll feed you to a Bengal Tiger.

CrewMember2 (brooding): I should have listened to mom.

Columbus: Ok, who’s game for a Nativity skit for the Indians huh?

What really happened

Posted in Direct Speech on December 15, 2006 by Rohit

Joseph: So you’re pregnant?

Mary: Yup.

Joseph: And you’re saying it’s the (gestures quotes in air) ‘Holy Spirit’?

Mary: Exactly.

Joseph: And there was an angel in this room?

Mary: Spot on.

Joseph: Come on Mary, have you been drinking that wine again?

Mary: This is why I’m skeptical about marrying you Joseph. You have no faith.

Joseph: YOU’re skeptical about marrying ME?

Mary: Yeah, you have no idea how embarrassing you can get sometimes.

Joseph: Wow. I get embarrassing?

Mary: Why do you always have to be so objective? Why can’t you free the child in you?

Joseph: Did you just say “Child in you”? Is that your little mind game huh, Mary?

Mary: I can’t see why you can’t share my excitement about this baby boy we’ll have. Gabriel told me he’d rule the world.

Joseph: Gabriel? You’re on a first name basis now?!

Mary: How can I not be? He named my firstborn you know?

Joseph: He named the child? What am I, a total sucker? I want to name him.

Mary: No. He will be called “Son of Most High”

Joseph: No way. What is that? That’s like a Red Indian name. Might as well call him Wandering Bear or something. ‘Most High’! You know what a nightmare that is going to make school for him?

Mary: Ok, lemme hear yours.

Joseph: I always wanted to name our child Collingwood. (excited) Wood. Get it? Carpenter. Wood. Get it Mary? (is the only one laughing)

Mary: Yuck.

Joseph: Don’t you yuck me Mary. You just told me you said, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord.” What kind of sycophantic language is that?

Mary: He said, “Blest art thou”. What was I supposed to do? He established the literary precedent there and all you do is blame me. You are such a whiner, Joseph; and too narrow minded. Why are you so insecure about our relationship?

Joseph: What will I do if he has no calling for carpentry? You know what kind of a market there is for a two carpenter enterprise?

Mary: He’s going to be a king and you’re worried about the woodwork?!

Joseph: That’s what the mermaid told you!

Mary: Angel. Not mermaid.

Joseph: Yeah. Whatever.

Mary: I have a feeling he’s going to be like Alexander – Hungry for the East.

Joseph: Yeah right.

Birbal and the Shrink

Posted in Direct Speech on December 13, 2006 by Rohit

(Birbal is at the psychiatrist’s)

Birbal: I can’t handle the pressure. It’s.. really..killing me. Nightmares and all. I have to constantly perform. Do you have the slightest idea what kind of expectation piles up on a person like me?

Psy: Tell me about the nightmares.

Birbal: What nightmares?

Psy: The ones you said you’re having.

Birbal: I asked you a question.

Psy: Ok, no.

Birbal: That’s it? No? What kind of an answer is that?

Psy: Hey, you asked me a Yes or No type question. It’s your fault.

Birbal: My fault?! What kind of a shrink are you?

Psy: What are you? The Riddler? What’s up with all the questioning? Have you noticed that four out of the five lines you had ended with question marks? You think the audience enjoys that? I’m beginning to think you didn’t have a very happy childhood.

Birbal(sarcastically): Wow Freud. That’s a really fresh psychiatric idea!

Psy: You’re paying me for this you know? Looks to me like your grasp on Irony is not as strong as your grasp on Sarcasm.

Birbal: Maybe you have a point. Maybe you’re just a moron.

Psy: Maybe I’ll tell Akbar you said you thought that his rose thingie was gay, under hypnosis.

Birbal(immeditely defensive and smiling): Maybe we were just kidding, the old pals that we are.

Psy: Maybe we should get on with sentences not beginning with ‘maybe’.

Birbal: Maybe.

Psy: So you want to tell me about the nightmares?

Birbal: Doesn’t look like I have much of a choice. Does it?

(Hears crackling..)
Birbal(turns around and looks shocked): What is that? Popcorn?! Didn’t the shrink school teach you anything about subtlety?

Psy: Subtlety is for people you don’t want to offend.

Birbal: I should have never paid for this in advance.

Psy: Hehe.

Birbal: Now you’re giggling?!

Psy: I am a happy person.

Birbal: Of course you are. You have this fine couch.

Psy: Are you mocking my furniture?

Birbal: No, no. But really, what is it with you shrinks and couches?

Psy: What is it with you ministers and funny hats?

Birbal: How can you even mention the hat when the goddamn emperor walks around with a rose in his hand the whole time?

Psy: Just so that you feel better, I’d like you to know that I’m recording this.

Birbal: You are not really keen on stopping my nightmares. Are you?

Psy(acting surprised): You have nightmares?!! Why didn’t you tell me before?

Birbal: You might want to know, I also have a history of physical assault.

Psy: And I have the power to prescribe some pretty amazing drugs.

Birbal: You’d do that?

Psy: No. But now you know one more thing about me.

Birbal: Can we atleast look at some ink diagrams?

Psy: Oh I love that. Let’s…

Birbal(after flipping through the diagrams quickly): They all remind me of Akbar’s Rajput wives.

Psy: Your problems are far from pressure related.

Birbal: I notice you have very little skill pinning down the cause.

Psy: I have positively pinned down what it is far from.

Birbal: Don’t you use those big words with me! What does ‘positively’ even contribute to that sentence?

Psy: ‘Positively’ is a very versatile adverb. And I wouldn’t be pointing fingers if I was seeing a shrink twice a week.

Birbal:And I wouldn’t be using useless long words if somebody was paying for my time, and quite frankly; regretting it.

Psy: Ten lettered words are now long?! What would you then say to ‘honorificabilitudinitatibus’?

Birbal: I’d say SuperDooperLong. Why, I might even say UltraSuperDooperLong.

Psy: That’s it. Your time is over.

Birbal: Yeah whatever. How come you’ve never put up your certificates here, huh? I want to see them sometime. I think you are a quack. And I’m definitely getting myself a Rajput wife sometime, mind you.

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