Home Improvement

Ten things that must be done to improve the Hindi movie watching experience. And done fast:

  • Lock up the annoying, loud mouthed, perfectly manicured star kids with zero acting talents and papas with phones into three by three chambers, and repeatedly play a close up of Samuel L. Jackson saying “You m*****f****** sonovab****”, till they get the hint and go get an education or something.

  • Find Karan Johar a man to keep busy.
  • Put all of Ram Gopal Varma’s Assistant-Director-turned-Directors on electric chairs and repeatedly subject them to voltages used to jump-start elephants with stopped hearts. Without the wet sponge.

  • Hire the Mossad to assassinate any Director who even thinks of the word ‘REMAKE’.

  • Deny visas to blonde foreign women who agree to being featured as eye-candy in song and dance routines with no other point.

  • Vigorously punch producers financing formula storyline and stereotype character based movies in the face using village pahalwaans laughing like stereotypical Bollywood villains.

  • All of Bollywood’s leading women are there only because of their attractive rear ends. None of them can even emote a Duh. Photograph them in suggestive poses aplenty and retire them into community service.

  • Neuter without the use of anaesthetics, actors over thirty five, either playing roles meant for twenty year olds or on-screen romancing women below twenty.

  • Force financial institutions by legislation to finance only movies having a script. A script, say academics, is important.

  • Tutor Rakesh Roshan in fourth grade Science before he decides to make another science fiction movie with neither science nor fiction and too much baboon like behaviour from his undoubtedly ‘special’ son.

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4 Responses to “Home Improvement”

  1. Katte!Dont u know that the ordinary Hindi movie is for special people?

  2. Hilarious (I’m serious this time) !!!

    Tell Sharuk and team that most of Indian middle class is still in India and not in Europe/USA/Singapore

  3. Hrithik Roshan became “special” after singing – Mai aisa kyun hoon 🙂

  4. dude..
    you cant deny it but the avg indian does like these movies..

    can u explain yy emraan hashmi is surviving…
    the revenue is not from multiplexes but small theatres..yep d ones far away from tinsel town..

    compare recently releasing ‘dor’ by n.kukunoor and munnabhai..or for that matter garam masala..
    garam masala seemed like a bad hindi play( i mean real bad0..but the audience( yes..i watched it..again yes in a multiplex)was roaring in splits..

    so..

    you cant please everyone..!!!

    there needs to be such films to invigorate n have someone like palekar(not mentioning paheli), kukunoor, to come up with something diff!

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