Jesus via Ayahuasca

Faced with the problem of an ever diminishing number of church goers, Uniao do Vegetal (UDV) , a Brazilian church seems to have found a novel solution: distributing psychedelic drugs within church premises. Yup. Trippy colours, flying domesticated animals; the works. The way I see it, that beats the pea brained Sermon idea of the other churches by an ultrasuperduper margin. Picture it, priest going blah blah blah vs. priest distributing scheduled items with a wink. Clear winner situation. Ayahuasca tea, brewed from the hallucinogenic B.caapi vine and with origins in the region’s shamanist traditions, is part of your average Sunday mass. Beat that. I bet the priest goes, “Bread and vine at the last supper. Vine. Get it? Huh? Get it?”, and breaks into a bellowing laugh. Apparently, among all the suggestions for increasing numbers at the UDV, ayahuasca’s popularity was in between Fr. Jeremy’s idea of installing some poles in the church and talking to Maria, the reformed stripper nun; and Fr. Edward’s idea of stopping the molesting of children. Given Maria’s intricate knowledge of the ‘workings’ of UDV, ayahuasca it was. Now, from literature describing ayahuasca, ayahuasca trips almost always involve visions of “..serpents, the large cats (jaguars, tigers and pumas, but not lions), birds and palaces..ancient civilizations..open landscapes..as well as celestial and heavenly scenes..gold and gilded material, crystal, precious stones and white cloth.” So this is how it typically goes: “Father, father.. I see Jesus. He’s riding a tiger with a snake around its neck, into a harem.. in a palace.. wearing a huge golden headgear.. in a sandy terrain.. wearing a white robe.” “Shut up son, that’s Tutankhamen. Here, drink some more of this…” Ayahuasca is also known to “make people think faster and be more intelligent.” I can’t believe they are not distributing this in schools.

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One Response to “Jesus via Ayahuasca”

  1. Lol.. sounds good! I might consider going to church. The temple next to my house distributes coconut milk. We Indians so blindly ape the west without realizing the true significance of their actions.

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